My Immortal
by kittyfantastico
Summary: There was no antidote in "Salvation" so Vaughn died. Sydney deals with her grief. Syd's POV. Please R/R!


The lyrics are from "My Immortal" by Evanescence... such a good song :)

Please review!

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Did he know that I loved him?  I don't know.  I was with him when he died.  I was by his side until he took his final breath and the last thing he saw was me.  I told him he would be okay, even though I knew he wouldn't.  He knew it too but he played along anyway.  He held my hand and smiled, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb.  Even then I didn't tell him how I felt.  Why not?  Because I was scared?  Maybe.  They told me to take some time off work, to take some time to deal with my grief – but I didn't.  I have to keep working because if I stop then everything that's happened really has happened and he's really gone.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

Cause your presence still lingers here 

_And it won't leave me alone_

I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral.  They said it was a security risk.  I wanted to go.  I wanted to say goodbye because I didn't say that to him either.  I could have gone to visit his grave but I haven't.  Not yet.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

But you still have all of me 

I'm always tired now so I sleep a lot.  It doesn't help because I'm not sleeping properly.  I don't mind.  I only sleep because of the dreams anyway.  I'm with him when I dream, and I'm happy.  The dream is mostly the same.  I don't know if it really counts as a dream because everything that happens in it really did happen.  We're in the hospital and Vaughn is holding my hand.  I tell him he'll be okay, and he smiles.  Then he closes his eyes, he stops stroking my hand and I wake up crying.  Sometimes the dream is different.  Sometimes we're in Taipei and he makes it through the door.  I don't know which dream I prefer.  I'm happier in the second one but it destroys me when I wake up.  Even in the dreams I never tell him that I love him, though I always want to.  Something inside me tells me that if I can just say it everything will be better.  But I never do.

_You used to captivate me_

_By your resonating light_

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind 

_Your face it hurts my once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

Habit gets me to work every day and habit makes me tell the right lies to the right people.  Something – habit, perhaps – gets me through the day until I can dream again.  I can see what the dreams are doing to me but I don't care because when I'm dreaming there is a chance that he will still be alive when I wake up, or that he'll die knowing how I feel.

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

"Just one more night," I tell myself, as I do every night.  Soon I am asleep and his hand is warm on mine.  But tonight the dream is different.  "You'll be okay," I tell him, even though I know he won't be.  He smiles and strokes the back of my hand with his thumb.  "I love you," I say, tears threatening to spill down my face.  "I know," he relies.  Then he closes his eyes and is still.

_I've tried so hard _

_To tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

I've been alone all along 

I am sad when I wake up, but I do not cry.  I get ready to go to work but I go to the cemetery instead.  The intense grief I have felt over the past few weeks is lessened now that I have told him of my love.  I feel a sense of peace wash over me as I lay the flowers on his grave.


End file.
